Vicious Rumor

A new addition to the list of conservative euphemisms like “F-word” for fuck: “Double C-word” for climate change.


First, let’s clear the air and state right up front that we here at are always eager to increase our readership.  And yes, my new online friend Dimitry (whom i’ve never met in person because he says he doesn’t live around here) has made some improvements in this website that have caused my hit rate to skyrocket.

However, i categorically deny the vicious rumor that he installed a bot that gives readers a little dopamine dose when they click on a page so that they feel a bit better, and the more they read, the better they feel.

This is fake news of the worst kind, that which takes a tiny grain of truth and then exaggerates it beyond all reason.  First, i can easily imagine readers being spellbound by my prose and graphics and quite naturally reading more and more and more until finally they notice that the sun has risen.  So i have lots of avid readers without any bot.

Second,  it’s not dopamine but rather a proprietary mixture of pure natural ingredients some friends of his stirred up, so just relax and enjoy it while you’re enjoying the site.

And finally, Dimitri insists that he’s maxed the dosage out at a safe level by programming the boost to occur only randomly, at a decreasing frequency, and to end completely long before readers could possibly be found dead of thirst with their screens displaying Matte’s Greatest Hits.

That’s the part of this obscene rumor that hurts me the most.  We provide wholesome entertainment and categorically deny all reports of harm. Dimitri assures me that he conducted extensive testing in prisons and orphanages and found no deaths – zero, nada – that could be attributable to reading this website.  They all had compromised immune systems or something or just ate too much junk food.

So you can continue reading Matte Gray absolutely safely.  Besides, reading Matte is good for you in other ways.  The Department of Homeland Security knows who’s reading patriotic material like Matte Gray and who isn’t.  Naughty or nice list, it’s your choice, and if you really want to be on Homeland Security’s good side, you’ll put a link to Matte Gray on your website.  Maybe two in case your readers miss the first one.

As Dimitri puts it, “Reading website good for citizen.”  And that’s even before he phases in the added vitamins next year.

Meanwhile, here’s the Vestry on Valencia Street, and this being San Francisco, it’s a restaurant and the chapel it’s attached to has been put to good use as a live music venue.

The Vestry on Valencia

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