All Our Base Are Belong to Them

Breaking news reveals a shocking new development that places new difficulties in the path of our nation’s righteous struggle against international terror and the forces of evil who hate us for our EZ Boy recliners with power assist for when you’ve too obese to get up by yourself. But horror of horrors, it’s not just our enemies turning on us. Now it’s our supposed friends.

This website had suggested as early as two years ago that the defense of liberty might require that we invade and occupy our Icelandic neighbors, little realizing at the time how prescient the suggestion was. Shoulda done it while we could.

Because early this morning, while godfearing Americans slept peacefully, the Prime Minister of Iceland, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, held a press conference and revealed the culmination of a hideous conspiracy with their neighbors, the bloodthirsty Faeroese, that resulted in the formation of a unified New Northern Republic, which they demand that we call Nýtt Norður Lýðveldi, as if we could speak that stuff. She’s going easy on us and and not asking, for now, that we do the declinations. [I keep hoping someone who’s literate in Icelandic will read this and and add the declensional endings that i feel sure i’ve missed.]

Demand? you sneer, Iceland and the Faeroes are making demands on us?

Well, actually, yes.

It seems that while our backs were turned and we were busy bringing democracy and consumer culture to our Iraqi and Afghan allies, the diabolical Icelanders were using their virtually unlimited geothermal power to excavate vast caverns far underground and install there an ultrasophisticated uranium enrichment system, which fed their development of a large number of nuclear weapons. Meanwhile, their evil Faroese allies, while pretending to be a peaceful nation of sheepherders and fishermen, had dug similar caves and built ICBMs. So now their joint Republic has hardened launch silos full of nuclear tipped missiles.

And this morning, Ms Sigurðardóttir announced that they are now extending their benevolent leadership to their neighbors, starting with the one they feel needs it most, the United States. She suggests that the transition will be easier for us if we go into this with open minds and a good attitude, recognizing that they are doing this for our own good and that we are fortunate that besides our Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines we already have an ample supply of prisons and a more than adequate multi-level secret police force to keep our citizens in line, what with our CIA, FBI, Homeland Security, Coast Guard, Treasury Department, IRS, Immigration Service, Transportation Security Administration, Federal Bureau of Prisons, state departments of corrections, county jails, city jails, state police, county police, city police, sheriff’s departments, game wardens, and meter maids. Not to mention all the private security, police, and prisons. Oh, and Guantánamo and all our secret detention facilities.

Matte is recommending that as a first step you go ahead and preemptively practice pronouncing the phrase, “Frú Forsætisráðherra Sigurðardóttir” (Madame Prime Minister Sigurðardóttir). It sounds just like it looks except ð is like th in ‘the’, g is more like a glottal stop, the r’s are trilled, and tt comes out like German cht as in Achtung! The vowels are more difficult and can best be learned from a native speaker during your interrogations.

Meanwhile, here’s an update on that A. arboreum atropurpureum on Liberty Street:

A. arboreum atropurpureum


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