24 November 2010

His Holiness Strikes Again

Didn’cha just love this morning’s news that after the AIDS epidemic had raged for 35 years and killed millions of people, God finally whispered in the Vicar of Christ’s ear that using condoms to prevent the transmission of AIDS was a lesser evil than giving somebody the disease, not only for male prostitutes like His Holiness had said in his recent book, but also for straight faithful Catholic couples in which only one spouse is HIV+ but both are devoutly screaming “Babyyyyyyy!” during their orgasms.

I fear that all those accidental contraceptions will fan the flames of the firestorm of underpopulation that’s currently sweeping the planet, causing uneaten food to stack up and rot in warehouses, unused farms to revert to forest, reservoirs to overflow with excess water, world energy use to collapse, global cooling to accelerate, glaciers and icecaps to grab more and more of the world’s waters, and coastal cities everywhere to be abandoned as the oceans retreat miles out from their current shorelines.

Oh relect, reflect, Your Holiness, and reverse this untimely decree.

No, no. Wait! I’ve got it. It’s the Apocalypse, and Satan himself has taken control of the Vatican.

Just speculating. Actually, it’s only life as normal in the Holy See. The Pope says something stupid and howls of protest from all over the globe spark a series of increasingly ludicrous clarifications that end up displaying the utter schizophrenia of the One True Church. First they say that condoms are the foreskin of Satan and are never never never to be used, so they devote their hideous strength to blocking the distribution of condoms to third world countries, causing millions of needless AIDS infections and deaths. Then it’s ok to use condoms if you are a male prostitute (but apparently not if you’re a female prostitute since His Holiness explicitly said “male” and we can only speculate why). Then they say oh no, the teachings of the Utterly Perfect Church have not changed in two millennia and never will and it’s still totally evil to use a condom except that as of yesterday morning you must commit this sin if you’re HIV+ and your Catholic spouse is negative.

Clearly a communicable mental illness is epidemic in the Vatican. Well, either that or Satan took control at some point not long after Christ’s death, which is actually more reasonable because only Satan could believe it better that millions die of AIDS rather than use condoms. Well, only Satan and (before yesterday) His Holiness, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, and Servant of the Servants of God.

His friends call him “Ratzi”. Rhymes with “Nazi”.

On the local front, i’m thinking that maybe after the full horror of his church having caused millions of needless deaths of AIDS sinks in, His Excellency George Niederauer, Archbishop of the Diocese of San Francisco and gay hate monger, may very well genuflect himself to death during an orgy of penitence in his private chapel. Well, better yet, he’ll die of an erotic auto-asphyxiation.

brainiacWith his favorite rosary.

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