This afternoon as my Segway and i were laboring up the hill home into the teeth of an icy rain, my chilled brain cells went into overdrive and i thought of the perfect solution for President Obama’s problems: war. No no, not the ones he inherited and seems to be perpetuating against all the hopes of those who voted for him, but rather a fresh new war that he starts himself to show those who didn’t vote for him he’s not some conciliatory wimp but rather a closet neocon with real cojones.
But who should we invade? I asked myself. I mean, we wouldn’t want to just jump blindly into something without thinking it through, now would we?
So after due consideration of the problems we face in our current wars, and wishing to avoid some of the ummm, complications we’ve encountered over there, i am proposing, as a true American patriot concerned only with the good of my country, that we invade and occupy Iceland.
When i consider all the advantages, i’m surprised nobody has suggested this before. Think about it: Iceland is conveniently located, just a hop and a skip beyond the southern coast of Greenland rather than way the hell off somewhere in the Middle East or Asia with all the long supply-line issues that causes. And strategically situated? It doesn’t take a Clausewitz to understand that he who controls Iceland, controls sea routes to northern Europe, especially in a few years when the Northwest Passage will be ice-free year round. Also, since they’re an island, we won’t have to worry about porous borders over which terrorists can infiltrate.
Furthermore, Iceland has no army, navy, or air force, and we are already responsible for their defense, so invading them ought to be a snap without even having to reduce Reykjavik to rubble. Their population is only 300,000, so occupying them would be easier since we wouldn’t have to deal with millions upon millions of ’em like we do in Iraq and Afghanistan. Many of them speak English as a second language, which will make it easier to give orders and conduct interrogations. And finally, we wouldn’t have to be bringing them the benefits of democracy since they already have a democratic form of government although we would of course need to make a few adjustments like replacing their socialist health care system with a free enterprise program so the more deserving citizens can purchase better health care than the masses.
The more i think about this, the more excited i get. A win-win situation if i ever saw one, but i’ll flesh out a few more details before i send it to Barack and volunteer as Provincial Governor until control can be restored to the native population. They can address me as Matte the Just (Matte Heiðarlegur), at least until i’ve mastered Icelandic, which i ought to be able to do in ten years or so, well before the transition. As a beginning, i’ve installed the Icelandic keyboard on my PC so i can type their names since they are still clinging to letters like æ, ð, and þ that English hasn’t used for a millennium and which i regret, as i quite like them.
I’ve made preliminary arrangements with a private security company named Graywater to be a Praetorian guard for me and my staff and to perform certain functions too sensitive to be left to the uniformed military. (Surely you didn’t think i’d hire Erik Prince’s crew, whatever he’s calling ’em now, especially since Graywater is owned by a group of my friends who will naturally be grateful that i’ve steered a contract with seven zeroes to them.)
I’ve saved the best reason for invasion until last. I have it on reliable authority that clandestine geological surveys under the guise of helping the Icelanders find more sources of geothermal energy have discovered evidence that the entire northern half of the island is sitting on vast deposits of the highest grade unobtanium, so pure it hardly even needs refining. Who knows what would happen if the Icelanders, or worse yet, the Faeroese, got their hands on this stuff, and we dare not risk finding out. (Imagine, if you will, the utter horror of an entire planet under the cruel dominion of the Faeroese! Compulsory fish livers and mutton, to start with.) In the interests of world peace, we must harvest the unobtanium ourselves and protect it, once again vaulting into the forefront of nations and saving the planet for Jesus.
Ahhhh, back into the service of my country. It’s a good feeling.
We can celebrate with a pic of a little gem i picked up cheap at the Heart of the City Farmers’ Market last year. It seems to be some sort of Gasteria genus from the 3 cm. flowers, but mad scientists are now crossbreeding these little cuties crosseyed to get handsome blossoms, so i’m not sure what it is other than a beautiful member of the Aloaceae family. Is Spring here or what?