January 1999

Pickup on Castro at Elizabeth

THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER – FROM THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cook. She noted that Baker’s earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker’s body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker’s unfinished beers had exploded.

After reading the above, I thought a bit about the 1998 Darwin Award Winner’s tragic accident.

There’s a lot between those lines.

I think Mr. Baker was dissembling when he stated that it was the only way he could stay warm during those long, long shifts alone.

I also think Mr. Baker was the victim of a perfidious plot that, before he had even completed his preliminary research, led to his death before the dissemination of his ground-breaking discovery that microwaves, in moderation, feel good.

And yes, of course Mr. Baker was not informed of the admittedly “planned” tenfold boost in power to his favorite feedhorn hideaway.

They wanted it to look like an accident. They wanted to keep this secret within their coddled coterie.

Responsibly used, microwave energy can be a safe, sane source of healthy enjoyment. Look at the electric bills of some of those Pacific Heights mansions! They’re not growing marijuana hydroponically; they’ve got “mike rooms”! And I don’t mean karaoke. Improperly used microwave energy, however, can yield Long Pig Steamed in Beer, an old Pacific island favorite. Of course it smelled delicious.

I hope this message gets through and that you are as shocked as I am at the nefarious murder of a scientific pioneer.
Donations to help spread the word can be sent to Matte Gray. Cash only please.

P.S. Many have responded asking for the recipe. Alas, the police refuse to release it.

P.P.S. In 2001 it came to my attention that the event described was a hoax, which somehow makes the whole thing even finer.